This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
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Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.