GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
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everyone has that one prude friend
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Modded the new Gran Turismo
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
*jingles half the way*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how