Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
not for long
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
WHY would you be happy about this?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.