This is sending me to another galaxy
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I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.