Genius idea!!
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Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.