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what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?