It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I’m listening
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Why is everyone getting married at me
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?