Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
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Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
i will not be silenced
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.