Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
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love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.