My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Remember folks 😂
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.