I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
❤️❤️❤️
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
i prefer mine room temperature.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
💯😂
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*