Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
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why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.