Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
me working on my assignments ^-^
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.