My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
sir, my pâté if you please
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills