My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
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HEYYYY MACARENA