No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[canadians at you, canadianly]
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.