My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!