My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Is….Is this an option?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.