Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
oh you wanna fight?!
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.