I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
worst…sale…ever
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct