I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I really had high hopes for this year though
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.