I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh