A roof is a house hat.
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Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
These are too funny not to post 😂
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Bed should get ready for ME
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.