Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
c’mon!
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Finally, a door that understands me
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks