ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.