when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
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[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
The days of good grammer has went
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
(Musicians.)
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
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