I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot