*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
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Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food