I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
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King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Looking at you, Jesus.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.