Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
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Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.