[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Why soy sad?
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Phonetics
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not