LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
You Might Also Like
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme