I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
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Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.