[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
You Might Also Like
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist