Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
#StillHurts
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
So glad we cleared that up
The prophecy is fulfilled
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in