My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
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So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*