Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.