You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Netflix and scream at our children?!
this could fix me
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol