JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
“What?”
– Jude
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.