Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
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Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.