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Blew out my flip flop…
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit