My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
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to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
me adding lol on a serious message
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
This is amazing.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day