I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
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Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
This is my cat’s medicine.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*