Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
You Might Also Like
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
This anagram machine is out of order.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
How do dragons blow out candles?
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee