good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.