[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.