One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm