Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
See..?
.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”