People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!