Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
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[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Yup….perfect score!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one